True Stories

Need a laugh? I've got some good stories for you...

• If you know me, you know that I am not exactly Bree Van de Camp. I am not the best cook in the world, I keep my house clean, but it could definitely be cleaner, and I don't sew or do any of that, although, really, I should learn how. While living in Illinois, we became friends with a very sweet couple. The wife was just so so nice and pretty much Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart rolled into one. The woman made her own granola for Heaven's sake! My hubby loved going to have dinner with them, because the meal was sure to be spec-tac-u-lar. Good ol' home cookin' from scratch. Well...we had been to their home several times, so we invited them to ours. Ha. First of all, I cleaned like crazy. Second of all, I made roast beef, because, honestly, who can screw up a crock pot meal?? My friend, being the sweetheart she is, called to ask if she could help in any way. I said, no, no I have it all handled. She asked what the menu was. I told her. She asked me if she could come over and help shuck the corn. I held it together while I politely told her no and got off the phone. As soon as the phone was off, I laughed hysterically. Hubby asks what's up and I tell him, and HE starts laughing hysterically. Our dear friends, who even have a massive garden and seedling tank thing, come over to a home cooked meal, by me, that consists of roast beef on top of canned potatoes and carrots, microwaved creamed corn, frozen biscuits, and destroyed gravy. They were very polite about it, but she did the cooking from then on. We were all grateful.
  
• My dad, a pastor, once cleaned out my brother's car and found a Kazoo. You know, the little toy that whistles or whatever. He stormed into the house holding it and demanding to know what it was. We (and by we, I mean me, my hubby, my brother, and a couple of our friends) stared wide-eyed and our friend finally said, "A kazoo?" in a very careful voice. Daddy demanded to know what it was for. So, she slowly and carefully took it from him and played a pretty little note. When she played the note, we all died laughing, and looked at it and it had a scripture verse on it. More hysterical laughter from us kids. Daddy just stood there dumbfounded and finally said, "Oh. Well I wondered why the scripture was on there." I will let you guess what he thought it was.
• I love a biscuit from Hardees, and one morning I had an interesting experience while waiting at the window. The girl, who was being observed by her boss, takes my money, and asks how I was doing. I told her I was fine and asked how she was. Her words - and this is almost an exact quote - "I am doing great, other than this weird rash I have down there. Hope my boyfriend didn't give me something!" Boss's face turns bright red and he says, "That's it! You are fired!" She smiles at me and walks away. Oh boy. Shouldn't my breakfast have been free? I was too busy thinking how amazingly ballsy that girl was and then laughing my butt off to think to even ask if I had to pay after witnessing that little episode. But, really, couldn't we have thought of something a little less disgusting to get fired for in front of a customer??
  
• One year during the week of Thanksgiving, I was at good ol' Wally World getting a few things when I witness a hysterical scene between husband and wife. I was on the baking aisle, and a husband and wife had a buggy full of groceries. She is checking items off her list and looking a little stressed. They walk by the cake mixes and he says, "Hey, why don't you bake a cake?" She turned to him so fast and said, "WHAT?!" She picks up the cake box and throws it at him and says "YOU make a cake!" Then she stormed off down the aisle. I started laughing, as did some others, while some pretended not to see anything. Hilarious! He put the box back on the shelf, tucked his head, and followed his wife. Bet they didn't have a cake at Thanksgiving OR Christmas...and he may not have gotten one on his birthday, either!

Laugh, friends! It's good for you...I'm just sayin'... :)